Gwen

June 2017 – Farwell Blog

Writing blogs the last year has been really good. When I first started I wasn’t sure what I should write about or how was I going to include some of things I’ve been through in a positive way or how my life would be interesting enough for someone to read. But my life isn’t that interesting and I’ve learnt from writing these blogs that being gay doesn’t mean you have a completely different life from someone that is straight. It is at times more difficult but I still have to go to work and school, I still go for coffee with my friends and I still get my groceries out of Asda. I do the same things as most people. There are things that are a lot different for example getting a cake is a big deal for me, being able to hold a girls hand walking down the street is important and just be able to say in a casual conversation that I’m not really interested in boys I like girls can be a big thing. The blogs have helped a lot for me in realising these things and I’m glad I’ve been able to take something away from this. Thanks for everything!

May 2017

The last month or two has been really hectic with school, work and the LGBT group I go to. I’ve finished my first year of tec which I’m so glad of, it kind of got a bit stressful for a while just trying to get my work in and completed on time so I could get signed off. I can’t believe I have a year done already. Changing from a high school to tec was definitely the best decision because I’ve meet so many new people and made lots of new friends that are also in the LGBT community which has been amazing. While I was trying to get school work done I still had my two jobs to keep going too which got annoying because I couldn’t meet up with any of my friends but it’s all calmed down now which is nice.

The LGBT youth group that I go to has been put through a lot the last month or two. From new youth workers to homophobic remarks being made; it’s been a roller coaster ride the last while. We’ve had meetings and serious phone calls to sort it all out so we’re hoping that soon enough things will get back to the way they were. We were planning to start up a new independent group ourselves but at the minute that’s on hold because things have got so stressful. It’s frustrating for everyone in the group to experience what we have the last while and it’s opened our eyes as there is still people who need educated to understand LGBT issues that young people face. We’ve had each other throughout the whole situation which has been really good because we know we always have support. When incidents happen like that to someone from the LGBT community it can be really difficult to stand up against the homophobia alone but what we’ve learnt is that there is always someone beside you standing up too. The LGBT community is so big and it can be difficult trying to find people that are a part of it in Northern Ireland because people don’t necessarily scream that they’re a part of it but once you find one person the rest will follow soon after! There has been times the last month were its seemed difficult to get anything done from school to work to the group but it’s all going good now which is amazing!

24th April 

This week has been kind of crazy week. For a while now I’ve been looking to get my hair cut quite short (I have very long hair – it’s about 3/4 the way down my back). But I was never allowed to get it done. For a bit my mum had said that it was because she thought I’d look “too gay” with it and she didn’t want to me to be a “stereotypical lesbian”. This really bugged me because I think anybody whether they identify as male or female or non-binary should be allowed to dress and wear whatever they want because clothes shouldn’t be gendered. On Wednesday though I finally was allowed to get it cut! I donated most of it to The Little Princess Trust because I didn’t want it to go to waste. It’s now a bit shorter than a bob but I love it so much. I finally look around my age because before I looked a lot younger than what actually am. On Wednesday evening there wasn’t much happening at the group, we’re stilling just trying to work things out. On Thursday me and my sister drove/ got the boat over to Scotland to go empty her uni flat out. I was kind of nervous the whole week because I don’t like being in the car with her when she’s driving and I was only allowed to drive for about 30minutes on the first day. It’s really difficult now having her back from uni because we share the car but it’s hers to begin with so I have to ask all the time even if it’s just going to the shop. It used to be I was allowed it for going to tech and work (because I finish work at around 2am roughly) but I’m not allowed it now. I’ve started saving and looking around to try get my own but I also need a new laptop for school work & work so it’s going to be difficult choosing which one is more important. I was working Saturday night in the bar which wasn’t fun because I was so tired from going away to Scotland. On Sunday evening I was working with my dad, it was really nice because I got to get away a bit from the stress of my sister. I’m off next week for a couple of days so I’m hoping to get a good bit of my tech work caught up.

17th April 

It’s my second and last week of Easter holidays which I’m kind of glad of because I just want it to be closer to summer time. I didn’t do that much this week. I went away for the day to Newcastle on Tuesday and to Belfast on Thursday and then to Slieve Gullion on Friday. It was really nice getting away for a bit with different people too. I was working on Friday night in the bar instead of Saturday because I had to work for my dad on Saturday night. Our group wasn’t on this week as the centre we go to closes for Easter but I got to meet up with a few of the ones outside of the group which was nice. I had a good bit of school work that I was meant to get caught up on and complete over the Easter break but I never did so I’m hoping the teachers have forgot about it.

10th April 

It’s been so nice being off this week. I was still quite tired from the residential on Monday so I had a kind of lazy day and just watched a new series on Netflix. It was really nice to just relax and not have to worry about any work. On Tuesday I met up with my best friend and my cousin who is visiting from England. We all went for lunch together which was really nice. It actually turns out that she is gay (lesbian) too but she’s not really out to all the family. It was really nice meeting her and we got on so well. So many people that have seen us together think we’re like twins, from the way we get on and our looks. It’s really weird because I’d never met her before and she grew up in England. On Wednesday night at our youth group we kind of got a new leader but we’re not really sure. There is a new person that has started but she was only asked the night before so she’s not sure if she’s taking over it properly. It’s annoying not knowing if the group will still go on or whether it’ll have to stop. I’ve been going to it for over a year and it’s helped so much for me with coming out and building my confidents back up. Before I came out I was quite confident but as I told some people that I’m gay they weren’t supportive which knocked my confidences a lot. From the group I’ve made loads of new friendships and I’ve been able to do so many new things. It’s scary to think that the group could stop but we’re all hoping that it continues on. The rest of the week I didn’t do much, I was working in the bar on Saturday night and then working for my dad on Sunday.

3rd April  

My week started off really hectic. On Monday I got a phone call from the lady who was finding out about who was taking over our group. She’s been to our group before so I kind of know her. When she phoned she explained about our group and then started explaining about a programme that she thought would be really good for me and would like me to take part in. Basically the programme is about getting young people involved and getting their voice heard when a youth group or programme is taking place. So when a youth programme gets moderated (basically assessed) sometimes the young people actually taking part don’t get their voices heard so the people I’m doing the programme with we go alongside a moderator to speak to young people. I had to go on a weekend residential which was this weekend where you got trained and stuff. I was really excited but super nervous as I didn’t know anyone that was going to be there. There was a lot of work that we had to do and had to cover but it was really good. Once I got back on Sunday I was really glad to relax because of the amount of work we had covered. I’m off next week for two weeks for Easter which should be really good.

27th March

This week has been really quiet. I haven’t been doing much at all which is nice because of how busy last week was. On Wednesday night at our youth group the new leader that was meant to start didn’t show up. It was a good night anyways because one of the boys brought a deck of cards so we just played card games most of the night. It was really relaxed but at the end of the night we were all quite worried about what was happening next week. We got speaking to a lady who works for the Education Authority and she was going to find out what is happening for next week and get back to us. On Thursday evening I ended up going shopping which was nice. I was back to working in the bar on Saturday night which was kinda good but the night dragged a lot. I missed a good bit of Sunday because I slept in to lunch and then spent the evening doing school work.

20th March

It’s been a really good week. With my new timetable I’m off now on Tuesdays and Fridays which is really nice because I can go away for the day and stuff. On Tuesday though I went to meet my best friend and his boyfriend. It was the first time I’d met him and I thought it went really well and that the two of them got on really well. But on Thursday they broke up which was really sudden. On Wednesday night we had to do a presentation thing for our youth group at this event. I was so nervous the whole day and the whole time we were there. It went good which was a relief. The youth worker that recently took over our group got a new job so it was her last night as well. I’m really nervous about going next week though because we don’t know who is taking over and we’ve never met them before. I was really nervous as well at the start of the week because at the weekend we went on our residential. We hadn’t got a schedule or programme of what we were doing so I felt really disorganised. The day after I was really panicking about the weekend, we got an email with everything which was super nice because it calmed my anxiety down loads. It was really good weekend and I enjoyed myself so much. I got kind of annoyed at myself a bit because I felt like I could have made more of an effort to talk to people but I was so nervous about going that I forgot about it. On the Saturday evening we all went down to the lake and just sat and watched the sun set. It felt like something out of a film! The sky was amazing and everyone was in a really good mood. It was so relaxed. I was glad to get home to my own bed on Sunday.

13th March

It’s been a kind of strange week this week. I wasn’t really doing much at the start of the week, I went shopping on Tuesday to get new shoes which was good. At our LBGT group on Wednesday night things were a bit hectic. It was the last night of the Brook Clinic workshop but I didn’t really get to see part of it. One of the other girls that is part of the group had a really bad day and was getting in some trouble with some other people. I had no idea how to help and I felt really bad because most of my advice was pretty useless because I’d never been in that situation before. She’s not too bad now but the next week or so will defiantly be hard for her. Just before I had went to my group there had been a bit of an argument with my mum and little sister (she’s 14). We’d been talking about whether they thought being gay was a choice or not. It was my sister that started it and she believed it was a choice and my mum agreed with her. I’ve been out to her more than a year and a half now so I was pretty shocked to hear this because I thought her attitudes had changed. When someone in the LGBT community gets questioned about their sexuality or gender about how, why, when or what happened to them, it can be really difficult to stay calm when answering these questions or even to try tell them that you don’t need to know this information or that those questions are completely ridiculous. Generally when someone asks about whether you’ve had people be insulting or ask ridiculous questions they usually mean strangers or people you only have met once or twice. I’d rather 100 strangers say something bad to me than one family member. With a stranger they are exactly that – a stranger. So you don’t have to see them ever again and to me they don’t matter. But with a family member they do and it can be really difficult hearing something from them that degrades a part of you that you can’t change. After my mum and sister had said those things I left, as I don’t like to stay around those situations because sometimes family members (especially older ones) say things in the heat of the moment but they are too proud to apologise later about it. This is what it’s like I’m my house so I’ve learnt that leaving the situation is better. It’s difficult hearing them but you just have to remember that there are millions of people all over the world that support you! On Saturday night I was working in the bar which was very exhausting. I was so glad to finish though because it meant I was getting closer to going away next weekend.

6th March

This week’s been really busy. I’ve had loads of school work that’s needed to be handed in but I’ve been really busy with working so I’m a bit behind. On Tuesday I was babysitting for a bit which was okay because we just watched a film. Because the last couple of nights at our LGBT group we’ve been doing workshop activities, me and my best friend hadn’t really got to have a good gossip in ages. So we meant up on Friday night for coffee. It was really good because we got to talk about everything that’s been happening. He’s got a new boyfriend and the girl I’d been texting is going through a lot of stuff with her family so it’s been really difficult trying to talk or meet up. It was really nice just to be able to chat about everything and anything. On Saturday night I was working again in the bar. I can’t wait for two weeks’ time because I’ve booked the weekend off and I’m going on a residential with the organisation Cara-Friend. I’m really excited about having a Saturday night off properly because I’ve only had one off since Christmas but I was watching my dad’s business that weekend while he was away. I didn’t do much on Sunday, just catching up on school work and work.

27th February

My week’s been so quiet which I’ve been so glad for. Nothing really has happened this week. It was Pancake Tuesday this week which was good. It feels really weird now having Pancake Day because my sisters and I are a lot older but we still love to do it but we can only eat about two pancakes before getting sick. At our group there was a woman in from an organisation called Brook Clinic which give advice and help on sexual and mental health. It’s on for the next two weeks which should be really good. The rest of the week I wasn’t doing much, I was working again in the bar on Saturday night. It wasn’t as busy as last weekend which was kind of nice.

20th February

I was back to tech this week which was nice to see everyone again but I didn’t have my work done so I was behind in class. It didn’t really matter because I’ve been getting caught up slowly. On Tuesday there was a woman came to check and test all my dad’s equipment for his business which meant we had to take everything out so she could check it. Because she’s from England, it meant she was only over for the day so it was very rushed and stressful. The rest of the week I wasn’t doing much. I was working in the bar on Saturday night and it ended up a late night. It didn’t help that I had to be up on Sunday morning early to go babysit. I hoping next week will be quiet so I can catch up on some of my sleep!

13th February

It was half term this week and I’ve had no tech to go to the whole week. It’s been kind of really nice although I’ve been doing loads of other stuff that’s been keeping me busy. Tuesday was Valentine’s Day and I kind of had a date but we moved it to Thursday because my friends from high school had already asked if I’d go out with them. We were meant to go out for food and to the cinema as none of us really drinks but one of the girls had to be back early, so we just went to Bubba Drews. It was kind of nice but I think a lot of us just felt uncomfortable because some of our other friends hadn’t really been invited. Wednesday evening at our LGBT we had cake and buns because one of our new youth workers is going to America for a couple of months. It was a really relaxed night, which was a change from the rest of the week. My boss from the bar had asked us all if we knew any students or anyone studying design because she was looking someone to make her new leaflets and menus for some of the new drink she has. Nobody knew anyone, so I had said to her that I knew how to use a good bit of publisher and software like that and I my friend does ICT so he knows a good bit too. We didn’t realise how much she needed done so I’ve been trying to work on all everything for her every spare minute I get. Along with doing stuff for the bar, my dad’s new business (which me and my sister are running) still needed loads of stuff done including storing all the equipment away and creating a schedule. Between both jobs I’ve been really busy. On Thursday I went on my date to the cinema with the girl I’ve been talking too which was really good! It wasn’t like anything like the last cinema date I went on before Christmas which I was so glad of. Friday I meet up with my best friend who is helping me with the bar work, so we could sort things out about it. I ended up working again on Saturday in the bar. It was really busy because there were runners over from England, Germany and Belgium competing in races. I was so glad to get home and get to bed that night. While I was off all week for half term I kept forgetting about all the school work I was meant to do, so I had to spend all day Sunday trying to get as much of it done as I could. I haven’t got everything done because I was too tired but I’m hoping next week will be quiet so I can catch up on school work and sleep.

6th February

My week was really this week! I meant up with the girl on Tuesday for coffee which was amazing. We ended up being there for just over 4 hours because we were talking that much. I felt really bad for the shop because we had got drinks when we first came in and finished them within the first hour but we never got anything else. It was really nice meeting up with her and it wasn’t as awkward as what I thought it would have been. On Wednesday I ended up running into her again as me and my friend (who is also her friend) were leaving to go to the shop and she was there to. That time it was very awkward because nobody knew what to say. The rest of my week was pretty quiet as I was just working on school work and stuff for my dad’s new business. I was working on Saturday night in the bar which wasn’t too bad, we were busier than last week but there was three people working so it took the pressure off. This week has been quite quiet.

30th January

This week has been so good! We started our first proper week back in tech which was kind of nice but I have two days off during the week now which means the other three days I’m in are a lot longer. It’s not too bad, but some of the classes feel a bit crammed together. We haven’t been getting much work because our tutors are just introducing us to the subject and what it is about. Because of that it’s been quite relaxing and I’ve been able to meet up with a few of my friends from high school. They all go to the same tech but they’re doing A-levels instead. On Wednesday afternoon we were all in the canteen but I was the only one getting food. When I went up someone stood beside me and it wasn’t until I was paying for my food that I realised it was the girl I am currently texting. I didn’t know what to do and I wasn’t even sure if it was her or not because I’ve never met up with her and she doesn’t have that many photos up on Facebook of herself. When I sat back down I texted her just to see if it was her or not. It turns out it was and she was too scared to say hey either. It’s been really good talking to her, she’s not overpowering or demanding like the girl that I was talking to before Christmas which is a huge relief. She’s studying music in tech and on Sunday night she was playing the ukulele and sending me all these videos of her songs and of her just messing round with different songs. They were all so good and I couldn’t stop smiling at how amazing they were. It’s a big difference from when I was talking to the other girl before Christmas because she was always complaining about something whereas the girl I’m texting now is really kind and genuine. We are meeting up for coffee this Tuesday which I can’t wait for! At our LGBT group on Wednesday it was only me and my best friend which was really nice because we got to have a good gossip. We’d been talking about going to a concert or something but we weren’t exactly sure as everything was quite expensive. We decided on going to Belsonic instead which I’m getting more excited about the more I think about it. It’s not until the end of June but I’m still really excited for it! I was working in the bar on Friday daytime for a couple of hours and then Saturday night to closing. It was a really good night because we weren’t rushed off our feet so we could enjoy the music as well. Sunday was really good because we went to Cranfield for the day to the beach with the dogs and then got some lunch up there. It’s been a really good week and I can’t wait for next.

23rd January

It’s kind of been like a roller coaster this week. Our timetable for tech got messed up so we weren’t exactly in for most of the week. I didn’t mind it that much, but by the end of the week I could feel myself going crazy from being stuck in the house. It was nice to get out on Wednesday evening to go to my LGBT group as there were lots of new people that had joined again. It’s been good getting to know new people but it’s been difficult trying to get things done because each time someone new starts everything we’ve been working on has to be explained. And we all get distracted really easily which doesn’t help! But it is still really nice having new people join. I wasn’t really meant to be working Friday night in the bar but my boss texted into our chat to see if anyone was free because there was a quiz on and she forgot to put more staff on. I was the only one that was free so I ended up going in for a couple hours to give a hand. I was working Saturday night as well, which was really busy to. Sunday was a pretty quiet day which was good because it meant I could get caught up on sleep.

16th January

My week started off kind of quiet. I got most of the work that I had to do done and handed in so I wasn’t really in tech apart from handing in bits of work. It was good to be off again but I didn’t have anything to do when I got home which meant I got really bored really quickly. On Wednesday night at our LGBT group there were four new people that started which was really good. I was really surprised when I walked in to the room because there is usually only a few of us but hopefully now that the group is getting bigger we’ll be able to go on more trips. On Friday me and my best friend decided to go to Newcastle for day and to this beach 10 minutes from the centre. It started off okay, it was really cold (as it’s still winter) and we didn’t exactly have warm clothes on! There were these really nice sand dunes that we went through as well that when you got to the top had amazing views. As we were heading back to my car I had realised that I didn’t have my phone. It turns out I had dropped it in the sand and we spent over an hour looking for it. I had to phone my sister to see if she could use the find my phone app to get a closer area to where I had left it because the place was so big and we didn’t know where to start. At the same time this was happening my mum and dad were trying to board their flight to England as they were going away for the weekend. It was so stressful! The find my phone app worked and we were so glad to get back into Newcastle centre after everything. It was a kind of nice day out but I was so glad to get home! Because my dad was away all weekend we had to take care of the business which was more stressful than trying to find my phone. The weekend was so busy and I was so glad for Sunday night to come.

9th January

My weeks been so mad. The work that I was meant to have done for going back is actually really important in my final grade for the first half of my year. I spent the whole week really just trying to catch-up and at least get most of it done. I’ve gotten a lot of it caught up but there is still a lot that I have to do. I’m hoping next week won’t be as hectic so I have more time. Apart from the stress of doing my school work it’s been a pretty nice week. I’ve been meeting up with friends from my old high school which has been nice because I haven’t seen some of them in a couple of months. I had work on Saturday night which was crazy. Someone threw a glass behind the counter at me and the other girl working because he didn’t want to wait. We were lucky because the floor behind the bar is rubber so glasses don’t break if you drop them but because he threw the glass it nearly hit the sink which would have caused it to smash. It was only the two of us on and it did get pretty busy for a bit but we weren’t that bad. The last couple of Saturday nights I’ve been working with the same girl which has been really good because we get on really well so there’s never any trouble. I’ve been working in the bar for kind of a year now as I started last Christmas but I only did a couple of shifts and then I stopped because I had that much school work to do and my exams coming up. I started back again during summer and from then I’ve gotten loads of shifts, including some of the daytime ones which has been good. I was so glad to get home because it’d been such a long week.

2nd January

It’s finally 2017 I can’t believe it. The last year was hell and I’m so glad it’s finally over. I thought that I’d been doing things all week because I’m not back to next Monday but I ended up just binge watching loads of TV programmes and films. I did end up going away for the day to Belfast on Thursday which was really good. We just went shopping which I really enjoyed because I got paid from working in the bar all over Christmas. It was a really calm day but at the same time quite busy which was nice. My auntie moved down this week to start her new job which has been amazing. It seems so weird having her around so much but it’s really nice. On Friday I went for coffee with one of the girls that I’ve become really close friends with in tech which was really good. She’s bi and had been texting this girl for ages but she didn’t really like her that much so we called her crazy eyes. But then the girl that I had been talking to before Christmas kind of went crazy to, so we called her crazy eyes as well. Just before Christmas I stopped talking to her because she was becoming really rude and overpowering. It was kind of a joke between us that we would set them up together so they could be crazy together. When we were out for coffee my friend had asked had she been in touch and I had said thankfully not, so she was asking am I texting anyone at the minute then. It turns out that the girl I am texting is one of her best friends from her high school! It was kind of awkward at first but she said she was fine with it because they aren’t that close anymore. I was so glad that it didn’t make things awkward between us because she’s became a really close friend but she was really cool about everything and we just continued on chatting until the coffee shops had to close. It was really nice meeting up with her and I get to see her on Monday anyways when I’m back. I have a lot of work that I was meant to do for going back to tech on Monday but I don’t even have half of it done but I’m not really bothered.

26th December

As Monday was Boxing Day I was working in the evening. It was really quiet in the bar which was kind of nice but it meant that the time just dragged on. This week’s been really weird, because it’s that awkward week in between Christmas and New Years were nobody really does anything. It’s like that every year for us and I hate it because it drags on so much. I didn’t do much the rest of the week apart from working on Friday. Saturday was New Year’s Eve which I was looking to go out because I was off but we left it too last minute so we had no idea where to go. We ended up going to the cinema instead and it was really good. I didn’t do much at all this week, I’m hoping next week will be a lot better.

19th December

I can’t believe this week is over already. It was Christmas at the weekend which meant I didn’t have to go to work but my hours were then changed to Thursday night and Friday night. It wasn’t too bad because everyone was in the Christmas spirit so there wasn’t many people complaining. It’s been such a busy week but it’s been so amazing! The week started off really nice, I went to the pantomime to see Cinderella with my little cousin and my best friend which was amazing. I was kind of confused at the start because it wasn’t set out the same way as the traditional story but it was still really good. It was my little sister’s birthday on Tuesday and we went to some trampoline world place. I didn’t realise how unfit I was, as after a minute bouncing I had to come off because I was so out of breath and I had to get a drink. At the end of the night I was exhausted and couldn’t wait to get home. Wednesday evening was really good, we went to the Christmas markets with the LGBT group which was good. Everywhere was so Christmassy and the markets were stunning, the night kind of ended badly because the markets had to close early because they thought a man got stabbed (it turned out he did it to himself). We were kind of lucky because we didn’t see it happen but when the police were trying to close the area me and my best friend got lost which was one of the scariest things ever because it was so dark and people were just rushing everywhere. Christmas Day was really nice this year because it was so quiet. We would usually have all my dad’s family coming round to visit but they didn’t do it this year which meant we could just watch films all day.

12th December

My week has been so mad. I wasn’t doing much the start of the week which was nice, Wednesday night I got my regular catch-up with my best friend as well as our gossip session which was really good. We always talk so much rubbish but it’s really fun. Thursday night was amazing! My best friend (from the LGBT group) had invited me to this formal thing that he had been invited to but it wasn’t like a real formal and you didn’t have to wear fancy clothes. It started off a bit quiet but gradually it got really good. I got talking to this girl that is part of the group that organised the formal and it turns out she is lesbian like me. She is a school year younger than us so is studying her GCSEs and she was telling me all about her going to pride during the summer. At the moment anybody that I meet seems to be going to pride and it’s getting me more excited about going next year. I’ve been invited by so many different people to go up with and I keep saying yes to everyone which probably isn’t the best idea but I don’t care because I can’t wait to go! Friday wasn’t too bad I met up with my Auntie for lunch which was really good because I hadn’t seen her in ages as she lives about 3hours away. She would get on with me and my older sister more rather than my mum (they’re sisters) because she is only 5 years older than me and 3 years older than my sister. It turned out she came down to see us because she also had a job interview as well. She got the job and found this really nice house near us so she’s moving after Christmas. I can’t wait because I get on with her so well so I’m hoping it will be good. We couldn’t talk for long because I had work to go to in the bar in the evening. Saturday was pretty hectic as well because I had our Christmas party for my dad’s business. It was really good night but I was so glad to go to bed. I didn’t get much of a ly in as I had to go do work for my dad because he was a bit hungover so he couldn’t do it. The rest of my Sunday I just spent watching films which was nice because I was so tired.

5th December

I’m so glad this week is over because it’s dragged so much. I had a lot of school work due this week that took up so much time to complete. It didn’t help that I left most of it to the last minute but I got it done anyways. I was really looking forward to Wednesday night to see my best friend because there had been so much that had happened with the girl I’m texting. We got to gossip like we usually did but it wasn’t for long as there was a lady from the LGBT organisation Cara friend that was there. She was really nice and talked away to us about Pride in Belfast and everything. I’m still quite annoyed that I didn’t get to go but I think I’m definitely going to go next year because everyone that I’ve talked to about it has said it’s amazing. On Friday night I went to the cinema with the girl I’ve been texting with. I was quite nervous about going because over the last couple of days she had been acting a lot different than what she would normally. The film was really good but I’m not sure whether I’d be able to watch one with her again because she talked throughout the whole thing. The rest of the weekend was pretty hectic, as I was working Saturday night in the bar and Sunday day time for my dad. There were so many people in the bar on Saturday night and at the event we were at on Sunday but it wasn’t too bad because I got to have a catch-up with one of my friends from high school. I’m hoping next week will be a bit more exciting.

28th November

This week has been quiet nice, it’s been kind of busy but not that bad. I was able to hand in three of my assignments due for one of my units that wasn’t meant to be in for three weeks. It felt really strange because it’s one of the first assignments that I’ve had an assignment done so quickly. I had an appointment for spec savers on Tuesday and because it was in the shopping centre we ended up just going shopping as well. Wednesday was an okay day I had work that I was meant to do but I didn’t realise it but it didn’t matter anyways because our teacher was bothered about it. On Wednesday night our LGBT group went to see Charlie in the Chocolate Factory and it was so good. There were a lot of younger people in it and there were some young people with disability in it too. It was really funny and the music was so good. My weekend was kind of weird as on Friday and Saturday I was working in the bar and there were a lot of strange people in drinking. Someone was so drunk on Saturday night that they left their boxers in the bathroom. We were lucky enough because there were cleaners coming in the next day so we didn’t have to touch them. Sunday was a really good day because I just spent it watching Christmas films.

21st November

It’s been a pretty quiet week. I spent the start of the week like I usually do just trying to catch-up on school work and my assignments. I’ve got a lot more than what I thought I would have got done. Thursday was a pretty busy day I had an appointment first thing in the morning and then I went for lunch with the girl my best friend has been trying to set me up with. It was really nice and I was raging that I had to leave to go back to tech. As soon as my class finished in tech I had to go straight to the airport because we were going over to see my sister for the weekend in Scotland. We didn’t do much on Friday but on Saturday we went into Edinburgh to the Christmas markets. It was amazing! Everywhere was so Christmassy and it was packed with people as well. It was a really nice weekend but I was glad to get home so I could I go get a Christmas tree for my bedroom.

14th November

My weeks been really good. It wasn’t really hectic like last week but I had enough things to do to keep me busy but not totally stressing like last. The week started off quiet like it normally does, I was catching up on my assignments and school work for tech but I still haven’t got everything done but I’m not really bothered. I have a limit on how much school work I allow myself to do because otherwise it will become like GCSE’s again where all I did was school work and nothing else. It wasn’t a good time and I’m glad it’s over. I’ve been catching up slowly but surely which is enough for me. I was really stressed and scared at the start of the week because I knew I had to go collect our youth workers gay cake and was petrified in case I landed or they phoned to tell me they can’t do it. I was stressing for no reason off-course and when I went to collect the cake everything was perfectly fine. It looked amazing as it had a big rainbow in the centre and like rainbow coloured writing on it which was really cool. Our youth worker loved the cake as well which was really good and there was a lot of jokes about getting a gay cake that night. On Thursday night I had my old high schools prize night which was extremely emotional. It lasted about 4hours with all the speeches everyone kept giving. It was really emotional too because everyone kept talking about the boy that was in our year that passed away. It was the first time I had seen my best friend in a while and the both of us spent most of the time crying. It was kind of nice seeing some of the people from my old class but there was some that I’m glad I don’t see anymore. Friday was a really good day. The past week and a half my best friend has been trying to set me up with one of her friends from her class. We’ve tried meeting up a couple times but other things just seem to come up. On Friday though we finally met up. I’ve been out with girls before but this seemed really different. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m starting to get better or that I really like her. It’s probably both but I’m not sure. I was really nervous but really excited to meet her. It went really well though so I had nothing to worry about. We got on that well that I was late to work because we talked that much. I had this stupid cheesy grin on when I landed into the bar and the person I was working started slagging me so much. He thinks I have this wonderful boyfriend that buys me loads of presents and takes me away to loads of different places. It made me laugh even more because he was so far off what the truth is. The rest of my weekend was pretty quiet which was really nice.

7 November 2016

This week’s been extremely hectic. I had my driving test on Wednesday and I passed! I couldn’t believe it. I thought that I had failed it again because I got a bit muddled up at one point on my gears but the examiner man said that it was fine because I was able to recover. The start of my week was really quiet and I wasn’t doing much just trying to practice driving but once Wednesday hit everything felt like it was running 100mph. Once I passed my test I ended up having to go into town to get a card and sweets for our youth worker because he’s leaving next week. I could’ve left it until next week but me and my friend thought it was this week that he was leaving so I was rushing around at the last minute trying to get his card. Because he’s not leaving until next week we’ve decided to get him a cake as well but it took a lot of deliberating as we weren’t sure what to write on it and if they would make a cake that was for a LGBT group. When I was ordering it on Friday I was petrified in case the bakery wouldn’t do it or would just be rude about it because we were looking the word gay group on it. But they were completely fine with it! The woman that served me was really nice and she said that there would be no problem getting that on the cake and she could include some rainbows if we wanted as well as glitter. Some people probably thought it would be stupid worrying over something as simple as a cake but before you come out as gay, lesbian, bi or trans a lot of people tell you that a lot of people won’t accept you and will say or do horrible things to you. And there have been a couple that have been rude to me but not as many as some people make it out to be. Sometimes people make it out like the whole world is against the LGBT community but they’re really not, people’s perceptions of gay, lesbian, bi and trans people are changing which is a really good thing. After ordering the cake I was super happy and just wanted to go see my gay best friend but I had to go work in the bar. It wasn’t too bad as I was only working 4hours because it was Friday day time and there wasn’t too many people in. I was working Saturday night as well which felt like the longest 7hours ever. I spent all day Sunday trying to catch-up on my assignments that were meant to be in this week but I didn’t have time to do them. I’m hoping next week will be a lot calmer and I’ll be able to catch up on the work I’ve missed.

31st October 

As I’ve been off all week it’s been pretty nice just relaxing and not doing much. I try to keep as busy as I can but I don’t get myself stressed out. I’m one of those people that have to keep doing stuff and keep busy because otherwise I get stressed out. It’s really weird but I’ve had to learn how to like keep busy but not be going from one extreme of stressing out to another. I’m so glad Halloween is over because it means it’s closer to Christmas which I can’t wait for. I even have all my Christmas presents bought for my family so it’s been really stress free. Last year it was pretty bad and I didn’t enjoy it at all but I’m hoping this year will be good. I can’t wait for 2017 to come as well because the last year and half has just been horrible so hopeful next year will be a lot better. A couple of us are hopefully going to the turn on of the Christmas lights up in Belfast which should be really good. I had my driving test this week, which I failed. I was pretty annoyed at first because a woman tried to pull out in front of me but I continued on driving and that’s classed as a serious so I failed. I thought I was determined before to get it but now I’m more. I have one booked for next week, which I need to pass because I’ve no more money to pay for another. I’ve had to borrow money off my dad to pay for the one next week, he says that I don’t have to pay him back but I feel really guilty so I have to get extra hours at work to try. I’m back to tech on Monday and I think I have an assignment due but I’m not sure because when I emailed the teacher before we went off she didn’t email me back so I haven’t done it. I can’t wait to get back and see everyone which I thought wouldn’t be the case because I haven’t known them that long but I’m looking forward to seeing them.

24th October 

I had a lot of school work that I was meant to catch up on this week because I got really distracted in class but I ended up just going shopping instead of writing out my notes I missed. It probably wasn’t the best idea but I did get some really nice jumpers and three new books. I did get a bit of it copied up during one of our classes when the teacher was marking, but we’re off next week for Halloween so I can do it sometime then. On Thursday the school that my mum works in had their Halloween disco. A couple of years ago they had asked my dad if it was possible to use the playlist that we use for the Funday’s we have over the summer. My dad said that, it was fine but next thing I knew he had got some DJ app that made sure the songs blended in nicely together so it could be a proper disco. But because it’s for the laptop we have to stay with it the whole night in case anything goes wrong or if anyone wants to play a particular song. We’ve been doing it now for a couple of years so I can stay with it by myself. It’s hilarious watching some of the younger children dancing and attempting to head bang. I had the chance to meet up with this girl that I’ve been talking to for a while, I would of had to get two buses to see her but I didn’t mind because we’d been trying to meet up for ages. It ended up that I wasn’t allowed to go so we’ve had to rearrange to after I get my driving test. It’s kind of made me want to get it more so I can just drive to see her but its difficult trying to remember everything. Because I didn’t go see her the rest of my weekend was quiet, I was working on Saturday night in the bar. It kind of felt weird because most of my friends were going out for Halloween parties but I can’t afford not to work.

17th October 

I’ve had loads of school work this week which has kind of kept me busy but I haven’t been as rushed as last week. Me and my little sister went to the cinema on Monday which was really nice because it was a break from school work and stuff. We thought we were the only two in the cinema then some creepy guy came in and sat in the back by himself. We spent the whole movie making sure he wasn’t one of those killer clown things and when my sister had to go the toilet we both left together to make sure he wasn’t. The rest of the week was pretty quiet, our LGBT group was changed to the Thursday which meant I could go up and help my auntie coach her hockey team. It was good to kind of play again because I haven’t played in about 2 years but she coaches in the middle of nowhere, they literally play in some random field at the top of a hill so I was freezing the whole time! I booked my driving test on Thursday which is kind of good but I’m petrified because I failed my mock test with my instructor. I was taking too much time doing a 3 point turn and she had to tell me to hurry up so that meant I failed. It’s booked for 3 weeks time and I’m dreading the day it comes. Techs been going good, I’ve had a lot of work to hand in over the last couple of days so trying to get it all done has been difficult. The girl that I’ve become friends with and that I sit beside was telling me the other day all about pride this year. It was her second year going and she had went down with a couple girls she knows. It sounded so good and I am raging I couldn’t go. She has invited me to go with her next year which I can’t wait even though it’s still about 10 months away. It’s been good hanging around with her, it’s a lot better than high school because I can be myself. 

10th October 

My weeks been kind of mad this week, from tech, work and driving. I had school work that was meant to be in on Monday but I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing for it so I missed the deadline. The work in techs been kind of crazy the past week or so, we’ve gotten quite a few assignments to do within the next 2 weeks. It doesn’t sound too bad when they first tell you, you have 2 weeks to complete each assignment but when you take out weekends because of work that only leaves 10 days, then when you divide them 10 days between 5 assignments it only leaves 2 days for each assignment but it’s not even full days because you have to go tech as well. I thought that I was good at organising my time but I’ve realised I’m actually a ‘do it the night before’ type of person, which doesn’t help when you have a 250 word essay and a 500 word essay to do for the next day. I ended up having two driving lessons this week because my first went that bad. The second lesson wasn’t as bad as the first but it still went horribly wrong. I got all my manoeuvres wrong because I was either doing them to quick or to slow and I was to slow on my emergency stop. I had work on Saturday night which was a nice break from school work and driving. It was busy enough but we weren’t rushed off our feet the whole night. There was a band in playing as well which was good but some of his songs I had no idea what they were, I think they were country or something. Sunday I didn’t really do much, I just tried to catch up on some of the school work I was behind on. 

3rd October 2016 

My weeks been pretty nice, which is a change. At tech we’ve been getting quite a lot of our assignments now which I’m trying my best to keep up the work. It’s difficult trying to make new friends and keep on top of school work but I’m trying my best to manage. I got to catch up with a couple of girls from my old high school on Thursday which was really good. I hadn’t seen some of them since we left for summer and it was nice seeing how they were getting on. Some of them are doing A-levels and it was weird seeing how much work and homework they have to do and it doesn’t even count to their final grade. I’m glad I’ve chosen not to do A-levels but at the minute my course doesn’t really feel that stress free. My driving has been going quite badly over the last couple of weeks but I’m not really worried. I really want to drive as soon as possible but I hate the way you have to do all the different tests and lessons first. I started saving a while back for my lesson and tests but I’m getting pretty low at the moment with money. I can’t wait to it’s all over and I can just drive to McDonalds for an ice cream.

26th September 

Not much has happened this week. It’s all calmed down a lot. My assignments from tech are beginning to mount, I have 5 in total now to do over the next 2 weeks and hopefully I’ll get them done without needing more time. We can sometimes work on our assignments in class which is really good because you can put your earphones in and just listen to music while working. It’s really relaxing but sometimes it can be slightly distracting. On Friday I had my driving theory test, which I passed and I’m so happy! I got really stressed out over it because I knew I hadn’t revised all the questions and I still don’t know all the sign posts but I’m lucky because they didn’t come up. It’s one more step to actually driving and I can’t wait! Saturday was just a really tiring day, I was working for my dad from 10am-4pm and then I was working in the bar from 7pm-2am. I got Sunday off and we just had a movie day which was really nice, it was kind of cut short a wee bit because me and my sister had to go do our school work that was due for Monday. My weeks been really quiet, tech’s going really well and meeting more new people every week which is really good.

19th September 

This week has been so crazy! It’s been so up and down; I swear I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster. My mum ended up in hospital the whole week with this really bad infection in her stomach. It was really difficult having her at the hospital as it meant I kind of had to step up and make sure everything going on kept flowing. It was difficult trying to make sure that dinner was ready in time so we could make visiting hours and making sure my little sister had her things ready for school. My dad was trying to help to but he had loads of pressure on him to, trying make sure that his business was still flowing so that he could still get paid and keep on top of all the house bills. Between the two of us we managed okay but I was so happy when she came back home. Tech this week has been amazing, it’s really weird to say that I love it so much but it’s been really good. The first week or so I was kind of annoyed because in my head I was thinking that I was just going to walk in and people would accept me straight away and I’d have so many new friends that were all so cool. But that didn’t happen of course because nobody knew who I was! It took a couple of days for that to sink in but when I realised what that actually meant I realised I could have a fresh start. It’s really nice knowing that the people I’ve become friends with haven’t just been through beside me because our names fall beside each other on the register. I ended up working on Saturday which meant we were really rushed in the evening again. My mum ended up coming home on Sunday which I was so happy about because it lessened the stress off me. I don’t know how I managed to get through this week but I’m just glad it’s over.

5th September 

I went into tech on Monday and I was expecting my timetable and a few other things because our tutor said we would get everything on Monday but when we went in we were told Wednesday instead. I can get bit frustrated sometimes because I have no idea what’s happening and I can’t exactly organise myself so I just feel very messed.

It’s a part of my anxiety, and I try so hard to keep it under control but it’s extremely difficult. Especially with all the constant changes and uncertainty. We just had to fill in more forms and paperwork which got tiring. I was off Tuesday which wasn’t too bad because I kept myself busy and I had an appointment as well to spilt up the day. Wednesday felt like a waste because I was only in for 45minutes. We did get our timetable but we were told that it is very likely it will change and not to rely on it. I had heard a couple of girls talking that had been to tech before that the time table never stays the same in the first month with has kind of annoyed me as well because I really hope it doesn’t because that would just be horrible. On Wednesday evening the LGBT  youth group that I go to started back which was really nice because I got to see my friend from the group who is also gay and we usually just gossip so that was really nice to see him because we didn’t see each other over the summer. Thursday was a very boring day as we had a trip to Belfast and everyone was still getting to know each other so we were all still in that awkward stage of getting to know each other. Friday and Saturday were quite which was nice. On Sunday me and my dad took my sister back over to her university. She’s studying in Scotland so we got the boat over and drove then to the uni. The boat over was perfectly fine, it was really calm and I was able to go out on the deck and we could eat are breakfast fine. But on the way home it was the complete opposite! It felt like something from a horror film. The wind and rain was extremely bad and it didn’t help the fact that the driver of the boat was speeding along like he was in an F1 race. Me and my dad weren’t too bad with the sea sick but some other people were really unlucky including the man that was sitting next to us as he ordered food but wasn’t able to eat it because he felt that sick. The rocking was so bad that when someone went to hold onto the railing along the wall the whole thing broke off. It didn’t look to good that the boat was literally falling apart but we did get home in one piece.

29th August

My week’s been pretty quiet. I got kind of excited because I thought I was starting tech on Tuesday and I was really looking forward to meeting new people and getting started. But it turned out it was just an induction day and I was only in for about 2hours! When we first went in I spotted some of my friends from high school so I walk in with them. We got a very long talk about starting tech and how your treated a lot different from high school and they believe we have matured into young adults which at times I think is lies because I can’t even ask a shop assistant from Asda were the cream cheese is without thinking they’re going to kidnap me. After the long speaks from different important looking people, I got taken away to my new class, were I got to meet my new teacher and see some people in my class. We filled in some forms and then we were free to go. It wasn’t exactly anything exciting. I wasn’t back in the rest of the week which was a bit annoying because I really wanted to get back into some form of a routine. I have to go back in on Monday but I’m not sure for how long or anything like that which it really annoying. It doesn’t help with my anxiety but I know I just have to deal with it. The rest of the week went pretty quiet I wasn’t doing much. Nothing’s really been happening it’s been a very uneventful

22nd August

This week has been completely mad! I got my GCSE results! I can’t believe how I’ve done, I got one A, seven B’s, one C and an E!! I’m so happy; I didn’t think I would get them kind of results. Especially with everything that’s happened the last year. And I got onto the course I wanted to as well! I can’t believe it. I was nervous all week probably like most people were. It was a really strange feeling waiting for them because I knew I had different back-up plans if I didn’t get the results I needed and I knew that I wouldn’t automatically become homeless if I didn’t get the results. But the pressure the teachers and some parents put on you to get such high results is crazy. The exams can always be repeated. One tip for someone doing there GCSE’s or any exams, is to take 5minutes out and just breath. They can become so full on a lot the time and suddenly it seems like the end of the world if you don’t get the results. But it’s not! I’ve been really lucky with my parents as they understood that your mental health is way more important than some exams. I was able to take Monday off work so me and my friend were able to go to Dublin. It’s such an amazing place. Everyone was so different, which I thought was great because I love different. We just wondered around the whole day and got to nosy into all these weird and wonderful shops. It was such a nice day and we were both forgot about getting our results until the bus driver said about everybody going back to school and then we both started worrying again. At that point it was horrible! The day I got my result my best friend invited me to come out with her and her friends from primary school. It was really nice, cause we went to Bubba Drews for dinner and then to the cinema. There was a change of plan at the cinema and we ended up watching a horror film called ‘Lights Outs’. I didn’t exactly see most of the film because I had my hands over my ears and my eyes shut. It was the first horror I’ve ever watched and I will definitely be my last! I don’t understand why people would enjoy that! The rest of the week went quietly as I was just working most days, which wasn’t too bad because it felt normal then.

15th August

The last week has been a stressful one. It’s the week before I get my results and it’s only now that I have got a rough idea of a plan sorted about what I would like to do in September. I always kind of knew that I had two options which where to either stay at high school and continue on to their sixth form or go to the Tec to do A-Levels or some form of a course. I had an appointment with the Tec anyways about the learning support I get and because I still had no idea of what I was planning to do they got me an appointment with the careers advisor with was extremely helpful. Because I find exams extremely difficult, he suggested that I do a Btec in Applied Science which is still the same as three A-Levels and will still get me into nursing. Which is exactly what I wanted! It felt like things were finally fitting into place. We got to go to Tayto Park down South this week as well. I enjoyed it more than I thought because usually I wouldn’t have gone on all of the roller coasters or rides but this time is was completely different and I went on everything. I used to be the one who just watched while everyone else enjoyed themselves but this time I was the one who was getting everyone to join in. With everything that had happened this last year, I learned that not everyone gets to grow old and I know it is a cliché but life can be really short. I don’t take that for granted anymore. Even though I had no fear of going on the rides it didn’t stop the sickness feeling when I came off! The day out was really good so me and my best friend decided to organise one before we had to go back to school. So next week we are hoping to go to Dublin for the day. I’m not sure how it will turn out because we both not very good at geography but it should be fun.

8th August

This week wasn’t as busy as last, which was a nice change. It was my last week of summer scheme which I am so glad of because as much as I like working with children sometimes they can just be extremely rude. This week I got to go with the younger group which was really good because when I was with the older group I was always being classed as a child because I’m quite small and I’m the youngest coach. I did enjoy the summer scheme because it was something to do for 3 weeks and it got me back into the school like routine with having to be there at 8.30am and being home at 4.30pm. I was extremely tired every day when I came home which wasn’t good because I had to then cook dinner for me and my older sister. She doesn’t really like cooking and would rather get a take away but I don’t really like them so I try to cook normal food instead. I go to an LGBT youth group on a Wednesday’s but the last couple weeks it’s been off but I always seem to come out of it smiling which is a really good thing for me. Our youth worker does the best ‘Legally Blonde’ impressions as well which is hilarious. The weekend was busy enough. I didn’t get a nice lie in on Saturday after working all week as I had to go work with my dad and we weren’t finished to after 7pm and I was up again on Sunday morning but I didn’t mind that much because we went to this wee shop and got tea and a bun because we both hadn’t had breakfast.

1st August

Summer’s been pretty crazy this year and it’s only the beginning of August. I’ve been working a lot, from helping my dad with his business, to the bar where I have a part time job and this week is the second week of the summer scheme I’m a coach at. I’m lucky enough that I only ever have to work two jobs in one day but it can get very stressful. People always say ‘think of the money’. The pay isn’t too bad but it’s still a lot to do and getting time off from each one can be difficult. This weekend was Belfast Pride Parade which I was really looking forward to going to but my parents wouldn’t allow me to go so I had to work instead. I was really disappointed that I couldn’t go because last year it had kind of become a big deal as it was something that I was really looking forward to going to after I came out. I came out as lesbian to my family in September last year but I prefer to say that I am a gay girl rather than saying I’m lesbian because I find it easier. It’s just my preference. It had been up and down for a while after I came out but everything’s good now and everyone’s happy. August I know will be very stressful for me and probably a lot of other people as I will be one of many getting my GCSE results but I still have no idea what I’m going to do in September.

12th September 

This week has been really good. It was my birthday at the start the start of the week which I was really excited about because it means I can finally start learning how to drive! I had a lesson with a driving instructor the day after my birthday which was very scary because it was the first time I had drove on a main road with other drivers and I was petrified! I was in tech most of the week except Friday because it’s my day off, and it’s been a big change from last week. We started doing work, even though it’s just the basics but it’s got me into a routine which is really good. We’ve been in our classes and I’ve finally been able to talk to some people for more than 5 minutes which was what it was like last week. There’s one girl I’ve kind of become friends with and I’ve been hanging around with her. I was really scared about having to tell her that I’m gay because I wasn’t sure how she would take but I just kind of slipped it in conversation so it wouldn’t be that much of a big deal. Her reply was amazing she was just like, well I’m bi (short for Bisexual). It nice to finally know some other people in the LBGT community that are my age. She really nice and has introduced me to some of her other friends from her old high school. They are all really nice and are the kind of people that I wished I had in my old school because there really unique and aren’t fused on what people think of them. I’m beginning to find my feet a little better in the tech and I kind of know my way around a bit. It’s been weird only starting work this week and not even having homework because my best friend went onto a sixth form in a different high school than what we went to and she’s doing A-Levels and has been working away and been given homework’s that take the whole evening to do. I’m glad I’ve picked the Btec route instead of A-Levels because I defiantly wouldn’t have been able to cope with all that work and stress.